tired angry and ready to fight

My work was long...My night is going to be long...My brain it works in third gear when it really should be in fifth..I feel burnt.I feel empty.Writing this maybe it makes it feel better.Walking home from work always helps.Do you ever wish you had an off button. Or just an easy button.At the end of the day we rush like rats only there is never enough cheese at the end of the line. Never enough love in our hearts. Just never enough to make it OK.To make life simple and happy like a TV ad from the 50’s about baking cakes.I wish baking cakes did it for me. I wish I could get off on baking a cake... That would be amazing... I am over complicated I over complicate things.I get bored. I can’t be alone. I know all this.I wish I could fix it...Again I write, this just rushing like a river.I live on the edge of where somethings is.Tucked in the fray... Sometimes music helpsa broken song for the broken.I wish I could drink enough to write my mind.I wish could drain the blood from my veins all cinematic.Do I really need to know the poet’s fucking name when I am the poet.Not saying that I am good just that I am.onto the 22nd century...As the trees lay dying and everyone has there own sex robot like the man on NPR talks about and we are not really human and our love is now mechanical as well and our children will be well oiled.I should feel so special to be one of the last of a dying race.I should feel to proud to be so organic... all full of concealed corn.. all ripe for the picking and full... I should feel so proud, so spoon feed part of the first of a generation deemed to worst the one before it... When it all falls down we sit where our parents stood.. We sit where they stood. I should feel so proud so overworked and empty... I should feel so proud to be part of such a fine oiled vacant machine. a fine oiled vacant machine... production is always up and the cost is always down... More for less isn’t that what we are made of?I have to much time and the rest of my generation cause they are off fighting some war on some soil I have never seen.. and I can’t say I know what it is like or if we are making a difference. I just listen to what the TV tells me but it changes from station to station. Like my mood changes from hour to hour. Like everything else in life you never really know what is going on and it all just depends on how you look at it. How you spin it. Primarily everything we do is bad it hurts mother earth... I never meant to hurt somethings so beautiful but I do it over and over everyday. So carefree and careless with my styrofoam cup and I only drink water from a bottle. Cause I just read on the news there are drugs in our water and I know some big corp. is really excited about this discovery. Mother earth is so crippled she can no longer wipe her own ass so we just let in sit there rotting in her own fecies just like we do with our old, our sick and our dying.And you ask me why at the end of the day i am so vacant... Its a personal thing, or is it. Maybe it is a global thing.. Maybe my love does not work cause this generation is hateful with out trying and loveless and godless...Not to say I am any better.. I am just making an observation as these words roll off my lips...There is music in my kitchen.. I hear the swishing of my roommate brushing her own teeth. I can’t stand to be alone sometimes.. and the lengths I go to fix that with out actually healing anything... without actually healing anything... This is going to be a long night.

MySpace Sucks and I am not on coke

Over the past month my myspace page has been busted up. Which is tragic considering everything else in my life seems to be busted up as well. So I guess the fact that my page is fucked up is kind of personifing my life.

I am dealing... My friend accidentially deleted her phonelist on her cell phone the other day she is dealing with that better than I am dealing with my myspace page delemma. I have found their address on Hoover.com and yes they actually have a phone number.. BUT no one is there. Myspace is a robot that is run by fox... Tom does not exist and he does not care that my page is busted. Fuck him. I may dump him for facebook...

This weekend I did laundry in my home town. Which I like to do cause no one really uses the laundry mat there so it is in better shape than the ones in town. I ran into this chick from my highschool so we were catching up. Then all of sudden I ended up driving around town with her as we were waiting for out shit to be washed etc... She went to pick up some drugs from the pharmacy that she was then going to hawk on the street to some other kid that I vaguely remember going to school with. It just shows you if you stay in one place to long or never leave the place you grow up in.. and are the dangerous type you end up hawkin you pharmacy drugs to some kid that you banged in highschool.

So for the record I am really not into drugs at all... Desipte what popular opinion assumes about people that play in rock bands and are a bit more edgy than most folks.. Could not stop assuming it is because we are coked out. Cause most of us are not and after a while it gets annoying to have to reiterate that I am not on drugs. No I don't want your coke, your weed, your E or your perks... I just started drinking beer a few years ago and I can live my life fine on occasionally getting a beer buzz... thank you.

The Rock Rules My Life

Music I like this week
Things I have been rocking out to on the train.

Rogue Wave
Rilo Kiley
Midlake
The National
Yesayer

Oh yeah and honorable mention goes to:

Band of Horses

For putting on amazing --sold out -- live show at the paradies...
One of the best live bands I have seen in some time...

Dance Party

So I went to a dance party this weekend. I won't disclose which one that might give away my secret identity, which I can't do. I would like to think that makes me cooler than you but not really since all the people in line were far cooler than me, I don't think it does... And what is cool anyway... Cool is so high school but is seems like something that way too many people seem to buy into. People will spend a ton of money being cool and still go home feeling like shit at end of the day.

But overall the dance party was fun. I got there with my partner in crime at about midnight. It was to capacity so it means we had to stand out in the freezing cold drinking coat pocket PBR's.
So after about half an hour of standing in line like total chumps we got in. The music was OK... It was of the house raver vain. I was kind of hoping for more of the Justice or the Knife vain. I felt like I was at a rave. I have not been to a rave since like 1999. I felt kind of stuck in 1999. I am sure the ones in NYC are better because shit like that is always better in NYC. Either way a good time was had by all there... Some people were chill, some folks were dancing up a freak storm letting there flag fly... All depends upon what level of public self expression they were comfortable with.

It was sponsored by puma. I should get some free shit for name dropping them in this here blog since blog marketing is giant right now. But most likely not since I have like no readers. Well maybe two...

After I left the "dance Party" I ate some late night pizza it was a good slice. Most of the time I do not like to eat pizza but at 3AM it is some good shit. The person I was with cut the line and almost got beat up... But he is good at acting dumb so it all worked out.

Flowers

How come you get flowers from people when you think you are being an asshole? Why can't you get flowers from people when you think you are amazing?

Life lesson - be a bigger asshole = get more flowers

The Challenge

Are you up for the challenge? What happens when it is all done? What are you left with yourself? And this job it sucks and it does not fill me. And all my love it sucks and it does not fill me... And when I got to put the pieces together they do not fit and I come up empty. I wish I could be all laid back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind like snoop dog it works for him. He does not give a fuck he lives in the moment the checks roll in and the bitches line up and he is conducting some damn good business. He does not over think things... Probably does not care who he walks over on his way to the top... That is why I should be all gangsta n’ shit... I think I need something that is so fucking intense that I can't think five minutes in front of me like running a marathon and your body aches and you think you just can't take it anymore and it is totally consuming... or someone dying in your arms Like when there is just a line of things in front of you and all you can think of is how the hell am I am going to get all this shit done.. That is what I need a line... and big mother fucking line of people all screaming at me to do something and then when I do it... I can feel great like I changed something like it made some sort of difference like it was all for something not just so time passing and it can be measured in something like success no matter how petty it is... I wonder if they go home and feel filled or if everyone stills feel fucking empty... I wish I believed in a god and if there was one it would fill me... Like how it does my grandmother and how they can turn to it for guidance when there is no light and I wish I could believe in a god and if I did he could save me from myself or just make me live better with myself.. Or just do things for his reasons not for my own... But I do not know if I would like to live my life scared with the lights out afraid to walk alone at the end of the day... but either way I am terrified that my own echo will someday be the only thing that comes to comfort me.

What is this?

This blog is my dirty little secret. It is all about life. Ghost blogging. Also about trying to be cool and paying your bills at the same time. About boys, sex, love, work and mother earth. Whatever the hells pop in my head at the moment. A stream of ones consciousness in the vast waste land of life...

How to keep in all in balance and what I think about it when it all falls out of balance...
All there straight out for you reading pleasure.